Primer: US Soccer Celebrity Pairings

By Jared DuBois and staff…

We’re gearing up for a drop of one of our most popular USMNT columns. So we thought we’d you in the mood with a little TMZ Rodius (Jared DuBois that is) style.

Question: What are some natural US soccer/MLS celebrity pairings? Justify it however you see fit.



Anna Kournikova and Graham Zuzi. Imagine the the fireworks when you put an Uzi with an AK.

How about the idea of a travel show coupling of Landon Donovan and Anthony Bourdain called “No Inclinations” they travel to distant remote corners of the Earth but Landon always gets home sick within a few weeks.

Lance Armstrong and Luis Saurez on the hunt to find the good guy for their Gillette Fusion commercial.

Adrian Peterson and Charlie Davies. One to heal quickly and have a record setting season, the other to promote the sh*t out of it and type “Believe” in every other tweet. It would be like ESPN’s version of the Odd Couple.

(Jared) I’d love to see an MLS coupling of my wife and Freddy Montero’s wife. He’ll I don’t even have to be involved. I can’t just sit in the corner with a small butt of a cigarette hanging from my lip as I slowly critique them with directorial phrases like “More Tender”.

Kris Boyd and Jillian Michaels together since she’s already used to dealing with the worlds Biggest Losers everyday.

"There's only one Dan Kennedy ... only one Dannnn Kennedy."

“There’s only one Dan Kennedy … only one Dannnn Kennedy.”

Lay-up: Sara Carbonero and Dan Kennedy. Dan Kennedy just got married, but at some point you have to think about your career, no?

Kennedy who could bounce on a trampoline in front of Klinsmann but the German wouldn’t see him immediately vaults into the rags and tabloids, creates a tete-a-tete with Iker and poof….Valencia transfer here we come. Klinsmann gushes like the second coming of Torres and on we go. Thank you…Sara!

Tom Cruise and Tobin Heath. Cruise has yet to sign his next 5-year contract with next Kidman or Holmes. Why Heath? She’s that not-quite-on-the-cusp of stardom player that proves that this isn’t some sort of celebrity marriage….in Cruise’s mind. Can you imagine the fireworks when Cruise tries to convert Heath to Scientology?! Oh where can Eddie Gaven be!

Where were we actually…

There may be no better way to get the NPSL off the ground then to have Tom Cruise bouncing up and down on a couch like a toddler on Oprah screaming, “I love women’s soccer.”

He’d be a…Maverick.

(We had nowhere to put this. Hopefully you’ve seen this remake of Destiny’s Child USWNT-style already….Morgan is Beyonce, right?)

I’d like the Emerald City Supporters–the Sounder’s fan group–to be the villian in the next James Bond movie. If they need a chief villian, they can choose our favorite Sounders fan of all time–Chappy Ascot. Don’t tell me that doesn’t play. It plays.

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by nordy on 2013/01/14 at 3:55 PM

    Wouldn’t it make more sense for Lance Armstrong to be paired up with Blackburn’s Scott Dann? Two balls being better than one, and everything…


  2. […] » In case you missed this, (hysterical) US soccer celebrity pairings. […]


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