Chris Wondowlowski: Can You Belize It?!

Shwimmy Shwimmy Coco Puff....

Shwimmy Shwimmy Coco Puff….

Matt Biggerstaff with a thorough technical analysis of last night’s USA-Belize skirmish.

A critical Gold Cup World Cup Non Qualifier (GCWCNQ) was played this evening in Portland, as the US took on Belize. We learned a lot from this game, like the fact you can’t spell WIN without Wondowlowski, and you can’t spell Wondowloski with less than 4 W’s. The US won 6-1, and the red-hot Wondow, who has 4 goals in 2 games looks like a sure bet to unseat some guy who just signed with the Black Hats as the starting striker in the full US team lineup next time they play a match that is more critical than this critical match was. After running some numbers, we figured out that Wondow’s goals to overall touches ratio was approximately 42.917%, which is just unheard of. Clearly this outstanding performance will be a key factor in Wondow’s now clear path to Brazil 2014.

It would be foolish to overlook his likely strike partner, Stu Holden, who is a great example of a modern deep lying striker. Often times hiding near the backline, the unpredictable Holden will strike out of nowhere, like he did this evening. Also, he will look good doing it. That hair ain’t free ladies, you gotta work for that up do. Being good looking will only get Holden so far, fortunately his goal scoring skills are unquestioned, and Klinsmann was kind enough to only unleash them for one half against Belize. After Stu’s goal, we were graced with a crowd shot with some Stu heads, which were lovely, but it made me wonder about the camera crew in Seattle who couldn’t manage get any good shots with some marvelous Clint Dempsey heads I saw there.

Speaking of Klinsmann, his brilliant game plan to use Michael Parkhurst as the fulcrum of the attack was phenomenal. Parkhurst revealed some extremely dangerous attacking skills going forward that have clearly been extremely well hidden for all of Parkhurst’s career, and this was just the sort of game he needed to emerge as the USMNT’s prominent wing back. I am anxiously awaiting his position change on FIFA so I can insert him into my lineup and watch him tear up the lesser squads of the 15 year olds I play online who insult my mother. Who sucks now mofos?

"That's my bike, punk!" "I got me about $200!"

“That’s my bike, punk!” “I got me about $200!”

We also saw a sexy game from Jose Francisco Torres, who could be described as nothing less than bringing sexy back tonight. Between his delicious threaded passes that were true works of art, and that dashing haircut, there was nothing that wasn’t sexy about JFT tonight. The US has sorely been missing some sexy, and Mr. Torres brought that this evening in high quantities. Maybe even enough for me to borrow some, for my friends of course. I certainly don’t need it.

Apparently someone in the locker room confused DaMarcus Beasley with 19 year old Run DMB tonight, as the team attempted to play the man passes that his 19 year old self could have run onto. However today’s wiser and cultured DMB didn’t quite have the wheels to get to most of them (nor would many other human beings.) If someone could alert the squad that this is indeed, a more mature DMB with better taste and many leather bound books, there would be a better chance of him running onto them.

Belize stuck with the tried and true strategy of taking most of their shots from at least 30+ yards tonight, and it clearly paid off, like it often does. The US on the other hand, probably could have used someone yelling ‘SHOOOOOOOOOOOT IT’, like a friend’s dad did ever so kindly in high school pretty much any time we had the ball in the attacking half. Pull the trigger boys, you can’t score if you don’t shoot!

My player ratings:

Beasley – 7 – Another strong game from Run DMB. His shooting could use some improvement.

Corona – 6 – Solid match, looked much more involved then the previous match. Attempted to break some opponents with his shots.

Orozco-Fiscal – 4 – Was offside in a spot he should have scored. Allowed a goal.

Diskerud – 8 – Quickly competing with Torres for best hair. Got cap-tied with this match, win-win for everyone except Norway.

Rimando – 1 – Dude, come on. NO GOALS ALLOWED. That is your mission, and you have failed.

Donovan – 10 – Leading scorer in US history and scored? 10 for you sir.

WondoWlowski – 19 – Scored 3 times in one half? You get extra points in this rating for that.

Parkhurst -15 – Offensive wing back skills will never be doubted again.

Goodson – 21 – Good. Really good. Son!

Beckerman – 14 – Still most likely to accidentally get caught in his hair and suffocate.

Torres – 16 – Sexy is back, and it slots a mean through ball.

Holden – 11 – 3 Stu heads + one Stu is quite nice. But work on that hair dude.

Bedoya – 20 – Almost hit a jumping shot through a defender. That shit ain’t easy.

Shea – 23 – If you don’t get it by now, you won’t at all.

So, Mr. TSG said he couldn’t judge this game or even write about it, so I stepped up instead. Some of this might not be fully serious. My criteria for this game was that the US won by 4, and they did that, so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I’m very excited for Wondo, and happy to see Stu.

31 responses to this post.

  1. go home TSG, you’re drunk


  2. Posted by scweeb on 2013/07/10 at 11:49 AM



  3. Posted by Alex on 2013/07/10 at 12:19 PM

    I rate this article a 14

    Seriously your player ratings were the best part. I now need a new keyboard.


  4. Posted by Chazcar2 on 2013/07/10 at 12:43 PM

    Most sensible player rating scheme I have seen to date.


  5. On behalf of 15 year olds online…you’re Momma’s fat and you suck! Black Hats off to your ratings though.


  6. Posted by gino744 on 2013/07/10 at 2:02 PM

    (supposed to be “all 15 year olds online”)


  7. Posted by Cornelius on 2013/07/10 at 4:30 PM

    I can’t decide whether I think this is satire or performance art. Either way, I feel like I got trolled by a very clever man.


  8. Posted by johnantimo on 2013/07/10 at 9:35 PM

    Where can I get some of those beers you’re using? And speaking of hair, has anyone ever seen Graham Zusi and Roger Federer in the same room at the same time?


  9. Posted by James H on 2013/07/11 at 8:49 AM

    And still your ratings make more sense that Ridge Mahoney’s… go figure.


  10. Posted by TylerCocinas on 2013/07/12 at 1:20 AM

    Sunderland are the Black Cats, not Hats 🙂


  11. Posted by twewlife on 2013/07/12 at 9:02 AM

    no hair props for any of the belize players? see e.g. the rainbow mohawk of my dreasm…

    Not even ’94 Alexi Lalas can touch that swag.


    • Posted by Kevin O' on 2013/07/12 at 1:30 PM

      Agreed. I like the high top fade/waffle iron combo look that seems to be making a comeback. Brek Shea is our leading candidate to make this happen immediately.


  12. Posted by 4now on 2013/07/13 at 12:05 AM



  13. Posted by Ufficio on 2013/07/13 at 11:43 AM

    Lineup for Cuba:

    Rimando; Beltran, Onyewu (capt.), Orozco Fiscal, Castillo; Beckerman; Corona, Holden, Shea; Donovan, Gomez

    Not sure what Corona has done to warrant his continued inclusion.


  14. Not be Paco Torres. If Donovan isn’t out right then he’s going to be the one providing width


  15. Posted by Ufficio on 2013/07/13 at 1:04 PM

    Beasley for Shea as immediately as possible, please.


  16. Posted by dth on 2013/07/13 at 1:16 PM

    Games like this and defensive performances like Onyewu’s ball-watching clinic are why Amobi Okugo’s inexperience should not have been close to this roster.


    • Posted by Crow on 2013/07/15 at 4:24 PM

      I was a bit down on Okugo earlier in the year (I”m a huge fan) but he has really turned it on lately. He was especially fantastic in that Houston game. If it wasn’t for Okugo Houston would have scored at least 4. The most encouraging observation for me is how much better he has been positionally compared to early in the season.

      Just ridiculous that Jack Mac (goal leader), Le Toux (assist leader), Okugo, or Williams (nearly leads league in assists as defender) didn’t make the all star game. Still blows my mind how Williams can’t get a call up to the National Team with the uninspiring options at RB in the player pool.


      • Posted by dth on 2013/07/15 at 7:26 PM

        Haven’t watched Union as closely as I used to, but my quick impression is that Williams has settled in as sort of a Todd Dunivant-esque MLS player: very good, not necessarily international quality. (Though I’m sure he could deputize in well. Beltran on Gold Cup roster strikes me as similar; basically a toss-up between the two for me. Don’t blame Klinsmann for liking Beltran.)

        The RBs I’m excited for in MLS are Yedlin and Farrell. High ceilings on the both of them.


        • Posted by Crow on 2013/07/16 at 3:53 PM

          I saw Yedlin play in person on Saturday and was impressed other than the goal he didn’t do a good job coming on. I like him and Farrell alot and they certainly may have higher ceilings.

          I would agree that Williams has plateaued a bit but he still has a great engine, offers alot going forward and is a solid 1 v 1 defender (will never forget him defending CR9).

          Completely off topic but speaking of RB’s Steve Beitashour seems like a great guy. Alot of San Jose fans were waiting to talk to him or get autos and he took time for everyone.


    • Posted by fellainisfro on 2013/07/15 at 8:27 PM

      LOL. Ball watching clinic = Defensive awareness deficiency.

      I also didn’t care for they way that Gooch dribbled all the way past the half line, and to the right touch line, stop, look around for a few seconds and then gave the ball away in the San Diego Friendly. Lip reading as he jogged back to his position he yelled at others with much disdain “MOVE.” He dribbles far out of position and into a corner and gets mad at all the other players around him.


  17. Posted by Union on 2013/07/13 at 4:33 PM

    Can we cap Julian Green yet?


  18. Posted by dth on 2013/07/13 at 5:13 PM

    Love Scott Caldwell.


  19. Posted by D on 2013/07/14 at 9:23 AM

    From listening to the commentary yesterday, I fairly certain the Eric Wynalda is sleeping with Wondo.


  20. Posted by Crow on 2013/07/15 at 4:34 PM

    I went to my first Earthquakes game since moving out to San Jose from the East Coast and it was a really nice experience. Several of the AO San Jose members broke off from the Ultras (despite being part of the group for years and losing a lot of friends in the process) after the hooligan behavior that happened in Portland this Spring. They have created a new supporter group that has merged with the original ‘Casbah’ from the expansion Clash area. They are relatively small but it is a nice group (on the opposite end of the field from the Ultras). It is a real interesting mix- some younger kids, some men and women in Honduras jerseys among others. Anyway, I think it is admirable the effort they are taking to make a more appropriate yet passionate supporter group available. I may just have to pick up tickets next year and brush up on my drumming skills to help out.

    By the way, if anyone in the San Jose area is a trumpet player etc they are looking for one.


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