USA 1 – Panama 0 Retro Diary: Gold Cup Top Jimmies

Brekkinization Authorization!

Brekkinization Authorization!

Welcome back Will Parchman. Your retro diaries are always …. Top Drawer.

I’m wearing black today. Pouring out drinks. Saving front row seats (or just one for my German Bro). Jurgen Klinsmann, our Herr, our Fuhrer (eh, too soon?) is watching the game like the rest of us. His exposition on his one-game suspension after UNTOWARDLY THROWING A SOCCER BALL SOMEWHERE was “it is what it is,” which makes me want to stab the eyes out of baby pandas. But so does this suspension, so there you have it.

CONCACAF. You suck. I mean it. Love, Will.

Honestly, it means little. If not nothing at all. Klinsmann wears heather-gray half button-downs with that Euro swag on the sideline during games and yells a lot. Jumps around a bit. Mutters German obscenities. Yells some Hasselhoff. Most of his work is done on the training ground before and after games. So that he’s left it up to Martin Vasquez and Andreas Herzog, two guys who share the same training ground and the same hilariously lofty ideals, is not a big deal.

But here comes Panama, a team the US splashed into the core depths of the Pacific Ocean in Seattle in a brilliant, vibrant attacking display. Lineup.

#USMNT lineup for Gold Cup Final: Rimando; Parkhurst, Goodson, Besler, Beasley ©; Beckerman, Holden; Bedoya, Donovan, Corona; E. Johnson

Not since the gold grill has EJ crunked so hard.

Not since the gold grill has EJ crunked so hard.

Eddie Johnson’s hair starts up top. Like it. Love it. Can we talk about how good Kyle Beckerman is at this level? He’s literally the perfect B-team midfielder, because he’s a B+ player most every game, and an A- player when he’s streaking. Which is like, now. In competitions like this, he’s a pissed off tank in a suburban Kia dealership.

Also, DaMarcus Beasley gets vampire blood infusions before every game. It’s the only way. Holden deep in a 4-2-3-1 is interesting. Basically ensures this will not be an actual 4-2-3-1. He won’t sit deep with Beckerman. More or less ensures an attacking ethos from the outset. Like it.

Gus Johnson and Wynalda for the broadcast. Players will be simultaneously hammered and mispronounced. CAN’T WAIT. Jokes. Seriously though, I like Gus. He was thrown in too deep initially with the Champions League stuff. This is his venue here. You know I support anyone who yells through a routine pass at midfield. Caps. Hyperbole. Beastsause.

Donovan crouch. Let’s go. #TankInAKiaDealership

‘1 – Parkhurst. I’m scared of you.

‘2 – FOX’s three keys to the game that just flashed up on the screen just now (this is not a joke): 1.) Stay true to yourself, 2.) Stick to the plan, 3.) Have some fun. THANKS FOX YOU ARE A CONTINUAL FONT OF KNOWLEDGE. In five minutes comes the ‘Live, laugh, love’ graphic.

‘5 – High pressure so far is great. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by Donovan in the middle. In the past he had a tendency to drift out wide right to sort of fulfill his natural role. He’s been excellent there so far, and leading the pressure.

‘8 – Blas Perez is basically the only guy we need to pay attention to now, yeah? Looks dangerous already.

’10 – Back line looking a little ripped open at times. Beckerman greases back his dreds, knocks off the clods from his boots, fires up the “Iron, Lion, Zion.” Ready.

’14 – Panama has turned the USMNT back a bit, which completely obscures the fact that Parkhurst is wearing an actual moo-moo blouse from a Jackson, Miss. WalMart.

’17 – US possession. I like. Finally. I like. And just then a ball ALLLLLMOST falls to Donovan in the box. See. Keep ball. Pass ball. Score ball. CAVEMANMATH.

’20 – Holden’s injured?? HOLDEN’S INJURED??? He walked off. Panama. I swear. We’ll split your country into six more pieces and make ALL OF THE CANALS. #PROTECTTHISHOLDEN

’22 – Holden’s coming out for Mix I think. They just showed Stu with his head in his hands on the sideline. I just got really sad you guys. I don’t know. I’m questioning everything. DEITIES WHERE ART THOU.

’24 – Mix is just all flaily hair and limbs and scattered soccer thoughts. “I’mma pass it over here YO WAS THAT A SQUIRREL BRO I’MMA PASS IT THERE.”

’28 – Disjointed game is disjointed. All the good stuff is through the right it seems, but Bedoya isn’t necessarily the Zusi You Were Looking For on those crosses.

’30 – Beckerman just nut-shotted Torres. Straight. In. The. Walnuts. That was for Holden.

’33 – Fox tells us US possession is at 77 percent. Following graphic says, “Key to the game: do more.”

’37 – Klinsmann on the sideline is good for AT LEAST six goals by now. #thingsnobodysays

’40 – Just had another look at Holden’s knee injury. Non-contact all the way. If that sort of thing is taking him down these days, I don’t know that there’s much hope for his future in the game. Which is sadder than sad.

Bedoya coming on for his first cap ever, USA v. Honduras 2010.

’44 – BEDOYA CHANCE! He’s been relatively dangerous on the right, but he can’t cross for his life. Best-looking opportunity of the game. Begging.

HALFTIME: Killer B’s (Bedoya and Beckerman) about the only ones looking worthwhile in the first half. Klinsmann’s yelling in the glass booth is adorable though. Need more shots of that. I’m not gonna watch Fox’s halftime analysis because it’s probably graphics of YouTube cat videos.

’46 – We’re going. Only sub at half was Wondo at all 11 positions. Also, Brek Shea is coaching now.

’49 – Wynalda: “If you’re playing against a side that’s going to do that…” Gus: “Do what?” This is life.

’52 – MISSED THAT HANDBALL JERKS. Donovan frog jumps and then Klinsmann yells in HIS GLASS CAGE OF EMOTION.

’55 – Wynalda is so happy at Nick Rimando’s distribution that he’s pissed off at Nick Rimando’s distribution. He’s the only guy who can open a set of praise by first shouting, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?”


’59 – Fox’s ‘Keys to the final 30 minutes’ graphic: A.) Don’t be a stupid idiot, 2.) Score goals with fun

’64 – This game. Needs more Dr. Joe. HOW DOES DONOVAN’S BEARD FEEL???

’67 – The horseman cometh. Brekkenize. Two most dangerous chances have come off Donovan free kicks.

’69 – THE HORSEMAN COMETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Donovan flub. Brekkanize goal. 1-0. Cup. Give me your cup. I mean, guys, he tapped in a ball that was already going in. Let’s not get too crazy. But hell yeah. This is supposed to happen. I want a live cam of Mexico City right now.

’73 – Brek Shea is mentally posing with so many guns right now.

’76 – I’ve finally got it. Mix is the Karate Kid. Emphasis on kid. Meanwhile Jurgen’s glass cage of emotion is slowly filling up with champagne.

’79 – Nothing. There’s nothing happening. Unless you want to talk about Brek’s mental imagery right now, which probably consists of a swimming pool of guns and then Brek inside the swimming pool.

’81 – Fox ‘Key to the last 10 minutes’ graphic: !.) Win the game

’83 – Brek Shea is set up perfectly by Donovan on the break and blows it. I don’t care about the goal (which was already going in), Shea’s been whatever today. Very good for seconds, very mediocre for minutes and hours. Not worth it for me yet.


’88 – I can taste ‘ye, Cup ‘O Big Ears.

’91 – Eddie Johnson in his once-a-game forehead-to-forehead nonsense session. Excellent. WE’RE SO CLOSE YOU LANISTERS.

’92 – Clearance festival time. This just went from a David Matthews Band show to a Faygo-soaked Insane Clown Posse music festival.


Eleven wins in a row. First Gold Cup championship since 2007. Taking it. Would have much preferred to stick it to Mexico, but there you go, we’ll take the cup. The horseman commeth. Cammeth. Whatever. Boom goes the dynamite.

Says it all....

Says it all….

16 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Crow on 2013/07/28 at 5:47 PM

    My retro diary:

    Beginning of the game= excited

    20th minute- Anxious and then gutted for Stu

    Halftime- Irritated as hell as a bunch of San Jose 1906 Ultras crash the American Outlaws bar and start trying to take over the place

    2nd half- Absolutely disgusted as the Ultras try to stop and out-chant any AO chant due to a rift apparently they have with AO San Jose members who left the Ultras after their hooligan behavior in Portland

    I can’t tell you how pissed off I am with their behavior. I still enjoyed the game but man- its one thing to be treated like I was at the 2011 Gold Cup final by Mexican fans and then its another thing to have to deal with “US fans” trying to cheer against you almost for stupid and petty reasons.

    Yesterday the Ultras had signs making fun of the vandalism and violence they were a part of when they traveled up to Portland in the Spring. Everything I have heard about the Ultras is apparently true as I am seeing with my own eyes after moving out to San Jose.

    I really hope this website or another, or MLS, anybody with some clout, steps up and puts an end to these clowns. I would love to get a petitioin going. There is no room for this type of behavior in MLS or American Soccer. I guess they want to start their own city-state where they can show their allegiance to San Jose and their manhood by stealing scarves, destroying property, and beating up fans of other teams. Because thats “what a real dedicated fan does”. Ship these posers off to Eastern Europe.

    This is why I love AO so much- they go to every game, home and away, put up awesome support, but don’t put up with any of this type of hooligan shit.


    • Posted by t on 2013/07/28 at 7:03 PM

      are they really that bad? never had the “pleasure” of being in a stadium with them.

      If your analysis is correct then yeah- shit them to Lazio or Eastern Europe because we really do not need that shit here. They would last a week tops with hooligans.


      • Posted by Tom P on 2013/07/28 at 7:05 PM

        I meant to say “ship them” but” shit them “has kind of a nice ring to it.


      • Posted by Crow on 2013/07/28 at 8:18 PM

        Unfortunately they really are- I don’t care even about imitating Eastern European fan groups as I’m all for intimidating supporter sections- as long as it doesnt cross the line. Personally I can’t help but sneer a bit when a large lot of the shirtless Ultras start their circle mosh pit mid way throw the games. I feel like I’m 18 again at a hardcore show.

        The problem though was the widespread vandalism, theft of scarves etc, and some violence- fights etc. There were tons of complaints from Portland fans but there are plenty of corroborating reports from several people I’ve talked to- part of AO San Jose or a new non-hooligan supporter group “The Faultline ” who were there in Portland as well. Alot of them were part of the Ultras for years and broke off after seeing what others were doing in Portland. They have been ex-communicated and shunned apparently and I guess this display today was there latest “message”.

        About 20 came into the bar in the 2nd half basically shot down any US chant that others were trying to make and left near the end of the game.


        • Posted by Jim on 2013/07/29 at 5:25 AM

          What a massive group of tool bags. I agree that crap has no place in American soccer. That sort of behavior comes from a mob mentality and a felt need to grossly overcompensate for a sucky life (i.e. pockets of Europe, Latin America, etc. who are disenchanted politically, socially, economically, and channel their aggression on football cause it’s all they have). The Ultras are either poor imitators of the worst parts of supporter’s culture or their lives really are just a big suck fest.


          • Posted by KickinNames.... on 2013/07/29 at 6:07 AM

            We have the privilege of scrolling through pure genius Will Parchman is the TSG USMNT match blogging equivalent of Will Ferrell (circa Talladega Nights) and Hunter Thompson’s love child. Say word…..
            Thanks Matt for letting that meth-fueled ferret of a mind loose on the TSG pages.

            Call me crazy but this sounds remarkably like what would happen at the McDonalds parking lot back in high school on Friday nights. Yep. High school.

            To use Wills Fox Points illustration for how to enjoy the game: 1) Buy tix with a few friends 2) tailgate prior with beers and wursts 3) go to game and
            a) sing national anthem with sincerity
            b) cheer wildly as game opens and throughout opening 20/as appropriate thereafter
            c) save the sophomoric “potty mouth” chants and songs for your local bar or
            c) (1)- your fraternity or other appropriate venue or
            c) (2)- the English who do it so much better and barely intelligibly
            d) sit the F down for long stretches of the game as appropriate instead of standing up to show everyone the new and dangerously ironic 2013 ” Diskerud”
            kit just ordered online.

            Your multi- paragraph rant is EXACTLY why I avoid the Union games and the Sons of Ben YOU SUCK A- Hole! juvenility (yep that’s a word). Its all fun and games until you institutionalize frat boy behavior and then its just ugly for the rest of us who may want to have a few beers, bring their kids/wives etc to a match and somehow enjoy themselves without all that excess drama.

            I appreciate that folks have a need to belong and I’m sure that there are positives (ie appropriately drowning out the latino community at US games) but my experience is eventually the ability to hide in a mob is far too many people’s motivation for joining the “supporters sections” and I would just prefer to deal with those types of a-holes on a one to one basis when they decide to act out their worst impulses. And one to one is how most of those clowns need to be dealt with…


            • Posted by SamT on 2013/07/29 at 7:31 AM

              I knew what you meant, kickin. Only quibble… Latino community does not automatically equal away supporters. I would imagine the Latino community that supports USMNT is on the rise in this country, and I couldn’t be happier about it. A USMNT jersey with “Corona” on the back of it is a beautiful thing.

            • Posted by KickinNames.... on 2013/07/29 at 8:04 AM

              Of course I was referring to the many mex, el sal, central American, (even Jamaica) country matches where the ex-pat crowds swamped us faithful American supporters.
              it’s good to see more and more support in the stands.

  2. Posted by Crow on 2013/07/28 at 8:23 PM

    Another point- members of The Fort in New England were revoked season tickets etc the other year for some chants with minor curse words due to pressure from the MLS and Revs front office. But the Ultras are allowed to get away with their behavior and were even showcased on! I’d really like some website to make a proper examination of all the supporter groups across the league and the history of some defunct ones. I was a member of Sons of Ben and had Philly season tickets and never remember any problems even with New York or DC United accept one fight one year(and the guy was banned from the stadium)


  3. Posted by Crow on 2013/07/28 at 8:24 PM

    Sorry for posting all of this off topic stuff but I just thought it should be heard. Thanks for the humorous article. It sure is nice to have won the Gold Cup!


  4. Posted by Paula on 2013/07/28 at 11:01 PM

    There better be more GIFs of Jurgen in the time-out box.


  5. […] Parchman did one of his funny retro diaries on the Gold Cup final.  And Matt from The Shin Guardian did a post-game look at the […]


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