MLS Realignment Done Properly, 2014 Edition

MLS did some realignment recently. People are calling for promotion and relegation in MLS too. We’ve got some ideas of our own. Time to put the teams in the conferences they deserve, and give the fans what they really want: promotion and relegation…. based on money spent. After all, that’s how they do it in Europe right? Spend to stay up baby. Without further ado, we give you the new MLS and its conferences: “We Got Money to Blow, Oh, We Got Money to Blow”, “Spending (only) On the Finer Things”, and “No Money Mo Problems”. If your team needs to be promoted or relegated, tell us why. We are open to that sort of movement. All about that CREAM (Cash Relegates Everyone Around MLS).

You know what's up.

You know what’s up.

We Got Money to Blow, Oh, We Got Money to Blow:

NYCFC – New Kids on the Block signed a bunch of stars, named Villa and Lampard. All their owners got so much money, so much money. They need to find a home that doesn’t have foul poles, Sheikh Mansour will have em ridin around in Rolls, Kreis ain’t gonna be short on money, on money.

LA Galaxy – The original ballers. Probably have annoying conversations about how obnoxious new money is with NYRB, except they might be about to lose NYRB’s number. On accident. Likely have the Beckham Rule original documents framed on the wall where everyone can see them. Probably gonna get loose with their cash this offseason. May have a tiny case of WE DID THIS FIRST REMEMBER. Respect for doing it first as always. But as the lovely ladies in Vegas say, what have you spend on me lately?

Seattle Sounders – That Dempsey move though. Got Obafemi Martins out of Spain and on to turf. Seattle is the club most likely to have a full on nightclub somewhere in the stadium where Deuce sips champagne and records music videos.

Portland Timbers – Made a defender a DP. Not only that, they are paying him more than $1 mil a year! And he isn’t even good! Some true YOLOing with that scrill. Who needs the playoffs when you got money to burn.

Toronto FC – Defoe. Bradley. $100 million dollar offseason, no playoffs. Truly what the WGMTBOWGMTB conference is all about.

Sporting KC – Besler, Zusi + Bieler make three DPs for KC. Not exactly crazy, but certainly not afraid to spend. Might be the poor rich kid in this crew, every rich crew has one. I think. I wouldn’t know.

Orlando City – Kaka + Flavio Augusto da Silva number 121 on Brazil’s richest people in 2013 chillin with about $446 million dollars. Status TBD, unlikely that they don’t belong here though.

LAFC – 22 Owners. 1 Cup. Wait, that can’t be right. One thing is for sure, they have money in abundance. And then some extra money for later. Plus, have you seen Vincent Tan with a jersey over his shirt and tie? That look just oozes class. Or just having enough money where no one will tell you you look silly.

Spending (only) On the Finer Things:

Real Salt Lake – Morales and Sabo holding down DP spots plus the aggressive pursuit of Sebastian Jaime shows that Real Salt Lake is keeping it real when it comes to throwing cash around. Doesn’t have to be a ton, just has to work.

Keeping DC fly at all times.

Keeping DC fly at all times.

New England – promoted due to signing Jermeezus, this leaves us with important questions: Robert Kraft knows the Revs exist, much less spent money on a player? Is the world ending? Can anyone recommend good weapons to fight off zombie Joe Buck? Gotta be prepared.

DC United – They gave Eddie Johnson DP money. That keeps them out of No Money Mo Problems just barely, and this could change this winter when the raccoons start asking for DP money too. Splashing cash on the raccoons that are holding the stadium up is critical this offseason to avoid relegation. If they give Eddie Johnson even more DP money though, hellllllo Toronto status.

Columbus Crew – Precourt Sports Ventures have spent enough money to make sure the scoreboard isn’t on fire and that is what really matters in Columbus.

FC Dallas – All about them Young DPs. No, like literally, they have three. No one else can say that. Young DPs sounds like an up and coming crew in the rap world. Not to be confused with Young Boys though.

Houston Dynamo – Have Run DMB, DMB has a jewelry line, therefore cannot be down with the peasants. None of the peasant teams have jewelry lines, clearly.

Montreal Impact – All about importing fine Italian made goods. They tend to be cranky goods though, especially when they start to fall apart. Wonder what sort of return policy they are looking at.

Philadelphia Union – An eye for keepers, no matter the price. Hide yo keepers, the Union have some cash and it is burning a hole in their pocket. Oh and Mo Edu, he’s good and cost a pretty penny. WAIT IS THAT A KEEPER THAT WE CAN ACQUIRE?!

New York Red Bulls – Recently relegated to this division, could they fall further? Big bosses in Austria declining to invest in a USL PRO side for next season, what does that mean for 2015 and beyond? Playing the Chivas USA role in the NYC market? Is this what it is like to be poor? Stuck with DC United and the Union? How could you do this to us after everything we’ve done for you Billy Ray Galaxytine?

Vancouver Whitecaps – The Caps splashed some cash on Pedro Morales, but the exchange rate is holding them back from joining their Cascadia brethren in the top division. Tough to lure big players in when your money is the loonie. Unless you are loony with it like TFC. Nobody wants to do that.

No Money Mo Problems:

Chicago Fire – Signed Juan Anangonó as a DP in 2013. In 2014 he is on loan in Ecuador. That’s not good. Andrew Hauptman’s wife’s family is worth billions, but it appears he is getting the Ari Gold treatment when trying to get to that money. Here’s to hoping she is as legit as Mrs. Gold is.

You don't see me and my team down here.

You don’t see me and my team down here.

SJ Earthquakes – World’s Largest Outdoor Bar. World’s Largest Outdoor Bar. World’s Largest Outdoor Bar. World’s Largest Outdoor Bar. World’s Largest Outdoor Bar. World’s Largest Outdoor Bar. According to GM John Doyle, “I think the owners see this (the opening of the World’s Largest Outdoor Bar we assume) as an opportunity to start to spend a little bit more. I wouldn’t say we’re going to be one of the highest-spending teams in Major League Soccer that’s for sure, but I think we’re going to start to catch up a little bit with the league.” Let’s hope it’s a lot of bit.

Colorado Rapids – Tim Hinchey on spending “Let’s be honest, spending at that level doesn’t always guarantee success. Toronto, I think, is an example this year, for sure. And there’s teams fighting for playoff spots this year with three DPs, so that doesn’t always mean that is the right formula.” In other words, nah, we good. We don’t want to spend and end up like Toronto! So we just won’t spend at all! Hahaha look at Toronto, they suck more then us! Look at them, over there!


It’s the realignment and promotion/relegation scenario that all MLS fans, including Jürgen Klinsmann, truly desire. We know, because we were poppin bottles in Vegas at XS last weekend and overheard J Klins and Donny Garbz discussing it at the table next to us while they were getting down to some Skrillex. Good times fellas, good times.

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